Sociology

inbetween days.

After being sick this entire holiday break and quarantined in my pajamas, with one happy exception on Christmas Eve, (my work is closed for the holiday season until after the New Year), I'm back to the grind of purging and sorting.

It is draining, emotional, lonely, wandering through the hallways of the past. It is necessary work. It is also incredibly poignant, fun, and daunting. Feeling the feelings as they come and allowing them to pass through me. The deeper I get, the closer I get to me. This is the cool part. As strange and
in-between a process as this is (I could use a good dose of The Cure right now, the anthem band of nostalgia), I know I am marching towards my most authentic and true self and destiny, and that feels exhilafrightciting, to use a phrase created by someone I used to know. Swimming in the depths of nostalgia, scraps of thought, kind words from loved ones, glimmers of who I want to be, things I want to explore, and old shit, it is like walking the pages of a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

I took a mental break this evening and saw
Dallas Buyers Club, and something Ron Woodroof's character said rang very true for me: "Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting for a life I ain't got time to live." I feel like I am playing catch up so much of the time that I don't get a chance to stop for a minute, catch my breath, and just be in the present. I try to reassure myself with the thought from my doctor that I have indeed been living, all these years, just like everyone else, just doing different things, and learning in different ways. I may not have been out "playing pinball" as he put it, but I was living and learning just the same. That comforts me.

I've connected on a deep level to the HIV and AIDS movement since the early nineties, when I was very ill and could relate to so many of the struggles faced by those afflicted. It's worthy of a separate post sometime, but this raw passion for health, born out of experience and hardcore empathy, is an important chorus that rattles around the chambers of my heart, and physical space, present in books, articles, notes, people, and knowledge. It was a nice reminder to supplement the deep dive explorations I'm doing in my surroundings. A few finds from today:

Consent for treatment, 2002.
photo 1
Dreams.
photo 5
My very first Apple product, my PowerBook G4, circa 2005, is being laid to rest.
Bon voyage, silver bullet.
photo 4
My cute Momma helping me sort
m
I've carried this thing around from state to state over the years. Must be I liked what it said...
l

cover

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compassion

I loved this recent article in the July/August issue of Ode Magazine:

The compassion instinct:
Research shows that a compassionate attitude towards others improves mental and physical health. ~ Larry Gallagher

Too bad you can't read it online Sad. Are they trying to thwart my paper hoarding tendencies?? Happy But here's a readable one with many of the same info and sources: Click here to read more

It's a really interesting idea, and I love the sounds of the Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley!
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resiliency.

I work at a neat non-profit where we dream up ways to help others be better leaders all day. Mostly it’s just a job just like any other, but sometimes it taps into what is at the core for all of us-- how to be a better version of ourselves. How to get to know ourselves. And better yet, how to be our most authentic, best selves.

This is the part where my ears perk up as I work to embrace my true nature, from a time in my youth when I was truly just Me, before disease, popularity, fitting in, conformity, non-acceptance, jealousy, depression, loneliness, bills, jobs. I was pure curiosity and sheer joy, inquisitive, investigative, fun-loving, entrepreneurial, and had a true zest for life and all it’s details. I Lived In The Moment.

At work we were talking about a health & wellness component to one of our programs, and someone suggested that it be worked as Resiliency instead. I loved the ring of that word. It was only Tuesday, but the week had already felt 3 years long, with work weighing me down, boyfriend, friends, health issues, all seeming to reach pivotal stress points simultaneously, and I was feeling left with very little left gas in the tank. I’ve cried enough to fill a river this week thus far. I’ve given 110%, and was in a position to realize (again) that in the end, it is every man and woman for themselves.

When a friend of mine told me this years ago when I was literally on my death bed from this disease and feeling full of despair, as cold and isolating as that thought sounds, it actually gave me some power and hope. She is a very wise woman, my friend Lauren, who has been through many battles herself at her young age. It gives me a strange feeling of comfort to mull this over. Mostly because it is in such stark contrast to my usual sociologist’s desire for an interconnected, interwoven, loving, full-of-people and support based life.

It takes me back to why resiliency has struck a chord, probably mostly because though I need others to make life bearable sometimes, I ultimately only
need myself to survive at the base level. I’m not saying thrive, no. But survive. And that is an empowering thought, knowing I can make choices and do what is best for me, regardless of how it effects anyone else, make my decisions based on what’s in my heart, and climb any mountain I choose and breathe in the air from the top. I don’t need anyone else to tell me that I am a beautiful, wise, funny, sensitive (in a good way), happy, thoughtful, kind, loving, incredible person.

I’m more comfortable looking to the external world than giving these things to myself, but I’m learning. I don’t need someone to tell me that I deserve the best, everything life has to offer and more-- after all, it is the pep talk I would give to someone else- it is just old habits and patterns that have my mind defaulting to reject this.

If I keep the mantra in mind of “what would I say to my best friend?” when talking to myself, it is overwhelmingly insightful and powerful. I’m working on closing the gap. And supporting myself and my hopes, dreams, goals, visions and aspirations, all the while remaining strong and resilient.

re·sil·ience noun \ri-ˈzil-yən(t)s\
Definition of RESILIENCE
1:
the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2: an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Lauren and I before my surgery, Dec. 2002
Screen shot 2013-11-25 at 8.39.27 PM 1665
43512853666 piccsy.com

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